The Clock Stops Here...

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Nice and Toasty

I don't have to remind anyone, who lives in the Northeast, that we have not had two consecutive days of sun, since September. Let's just put all that Global Warming nonsense to bed, shall we???

I was at a Birthday luncheon a few weeks ago, for one of my gorgeous, gal pals and was seated across the table from my friend Janice, who was looking deeply burnished and rested. Though we had dinner, a few weeks before, (at Richard Gere's insanely over priced, under portioned, Bedford Post Inn) I couldn't recall any upcoming travel plans. What gives??? At the first private opportunity, I cornered her to ask why she was so tan. Janice is a girl's girl, so I knew she wouldn't hold back. "I got spray tanned at Beach Bum Tanning". "OH, MY GOD!!!, you look amazing. I am going tomorrow"...and I did.

The Beach Bum Tanning chain, is a fake bake emporium, dedicated to those who pale, at the thought of being pale. I have passed it numerous times, and assumed it was exclusively outfitted with tanning beds, filled with over muscled twenty somethings, with tats and buzz cuts. It is definitely, all that, but in addition, you can get spray tanned, by appointment, or, you can "spray yourself", buck nekid, in a tanning booth...who knew???

I arrived sans, make up, in flip flops, and loose fitting yoga clothes. The sprayer, was not on duty, so I was going to take my chance in the auto zone. I was instructed to cream my toes and fingernails, put on a shower cap, push the button face wise, and stand like a scare crow, without breathing, until the icy mist of (flammable noxious chemicals), stopped. Then turn around and repeat on the flip side. I am panicking, because I am pretty sure I inhaled, and imagine my lungs, permanently, penny stained. Afterwards, I blotted with a hand towel, disposed of my paper hat and shoes, and gingerly, put my clothes back on, tastefully, balling my thong, into my tote.

Gasping, I drove home, with all the windows, and the sun roof wide open. I might have saved on UVA and UVB rays, but being doused in chemicals, emanating from every pore, probably is not what the Surgeon General has in mind, for a Sunday outing. But then I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror...I was, already, tan!!! Oh, joy!!! Instant favorite stuff. My "tan" continued to develop throughout the evening and despite some concerns about staining my sheets, I abide by the, "no showering for at least 6 hours", rule.

I woke up, and admired my head to toe, front to back, even, natural looking tan. Suffice to say, there is only one set of cheeks, I have ever seen with color, so I really was looking at a whole new me. I recounted this story to my friend Suzanne on our instant Blackberry Messengers. "Gotta hop in the shower", hope my tan doesn't wash down the drain", I mused. 5 minutes latter, I text back, "it did"!!! Come baaacccckkk!!! But it was too late. Was it all just an illusion? Not entirely. After I put my moisturizer on, I could see signs of revival. I asked everyone I saw that day, if they liked my "tan". No one knew what I was talking about...but I did! I wasn't offering a show and tell, but believe me, I was much darker than before, and I had the toasted buns to prove it.

Vanity, be thy name. Stay tuned for more fake bake stories---I just bought Jergen's new self tanning mousse, on a CVS run yesterday...



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